The Resume Slaughter

It was internship application season and Roger and Shirley, veteran employees at worldwide company TechyTech, were tasked with narrowing the applicant pool from 500 to 25. This was an annual ritual for them, meaning they were experts at slashing and trashing resumes. Of course they wanted to find the best candidates, but there wasn’t enough time in a day to give each resume a good thorough read. Roger found Shirley already hard at work:

Roger: How’re they doing this time?

Shirley: (pointing at a large stack of resumes in the trash) I swear they’re getting lazier. That pile is typos alone. Probably some great kids in there, but no proofreading, no dice.

Roger: Roger that.

Roger took a seat and picked up a stack to peruse. After a few “no’s”, a “yes”, and one “maybe later”, he started laughing.

Roger: Look at this, we’ve got a “personal interests” section longer than any other! “Interested in modern political philosophy, rare stamp collections, and pet-friendly work spaces.” And the list goes on.

Shirley: Surely you can’t be serious.

Roger: I am serious, Shirley. And I love a distinguishing fun fact or two, but that reads like an online dating profile. Another one for the “no” pile!

Shirley: Get a load of this one. Great student, lots of experience and extra-curriculars, but it’s two and a half pages. Really makes you question that “editing” reference in their skills section.

Roger: Ok now this one’s amazing. Apparently they single-handedly increased Microsoft sales by 15% during a two week internship. That sounds plausible…

Shirley: Good grief, just give us the real scoop. You took an internship to get some experience, or you took a summer job to help pay for school. Whatever it is, just tell us what you did and what you got out of it.

Roger: Ooh we’ve got a hot one Shirley! This kid was his class graduation speaker…in middle school.

Shirley: Ouch, peaked too soon!

Roger and Shirley eventually found a good crop of typo free, jargon-free, one-page resumes with coherent narratives. But it was their yearly reminder that a good resume is hard to find.

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